![]() So how should you handle anger in marriage? If you’re the one feeling the anger By seeking to understand and accept his anger, rather than fix or suppress it, he began to improve his marriage by recognizing his anger as a signal for a need-a need to set healthy boundaries for what he would and would not do. Instead, he felt like his wife was placing impossible demands on him. ![]() As he worked on discovering his dreams within conflict and started noticing the space between his anger and his actions, he opened up the door into a profound realization. He didn’t like his reactions, but he felt he couldn’t help it. When his wife would make a request of him, he would criticize her. It’s easy to see a person’s anger, but it can be difficult to see the underlying feelings the anger is protecting.įor example, Dave believed he had an anger problem. Similarly, when we’re angry, there can be other emotions hidden beneath the surface. Most of an iceberg is hidden below the surface of the water. If you’re unsure of why you’re feeling angry, try thinking of anger like an iceberg. That’s how The Gottman Institute describes it: You see the yelling and the raging above the surface of the water, but there’s a whole lot more going on underneath. What we’re actually feeling is rejection, or disappointment, or fear, or insecurity, but because those feelings are so terribly uncomfortable to us, we turn to anger instead because that’s safer, and it allows us to go on the attack to protect us from whatever was causing those other feelings in the first place.Īnger, then, is like an iceberg. Other times, though, anger becomes a problem in our relationship because it’s the go-to emotion whenever something bad happens.įor many people, anger is a safer emotion to show than any other emotion.Īnger, you see, is a protective emotion, and often a “secondary” emotion. Anger is not the problem necessarily what you do with it is. “In your anger, do not sin,” says Ephesians 4:26. Sometimes anger is an appropriate emotion to show in different situations (as Jesus clearing the moneychangers’ tables in the gospel accounts show), though HOW we handle anger can be problematic. Anger, in and of itself, is not a bad emotion. Sometimes we have good reasons for feeling angry in marriage. ![]() People will often say, “I have a temper problem” or “he has an anger problem.”Īs we finish up our series on emotional maturity, I promised to spend a little bit of time on anger because so many find this difficult to deal with. Many marriages are plagued by anger, and yelling matches or big angry outbursts.
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